If you’re facing a divorce and custody battle, this tutorial is for you. It’s not enough to simply say, “I’m the mother, therefore I get custody.” Times have changed since the days when dads were often absent from family life, only to reappear at dinner with complaints about the meatloaf.
Some modern fathers have the annoying habit of actually being involved in their children’s lives. While this frees you up to spend more time shopping at the mall and gabbing with your friends on the phone, it also creates a threatening track record of paternal caregiving. And we can’t have that.
Fear not, there’s a lot you can do. Short of contriving a case of domestic violence against him (see Domestic Violence Tutorial), you can still jam a wrench into his parental machinery. Here are some surefire tactics that are bound to put you in the driver’s seat in your custody war.
Common Tips You May Hear
These are the common tips and tricks you may hear. They could be important if you have a judge that is fair-minded and looking out for the best interests of the child. But, what are the chances of that? Probably zero.
- Stay involved in your child’s life. Attend school events, medical appointments, and extracurricular activities to show your commitment as a parent. The more involved you are, the better you’ll look in court.
- Maintain a stable home environment. Courts like to see that the child has a consistent, safe, and stable environment. Keep your home in good shape, and avoid drastic changes like moving or changing jobs.
- Communicate respectfully with the other parent. Show that you can cooperate and make decisions together to benefit your case. Flexibility with visitation schedules and decisions about your child’s wellbeing coud be seen as a plus.
- Avoid bad-mouthing the other parent. You’ll often hear that alienating the child from their father could backfire. Supposedly, the court frowns upon this, even if he deserves it.
- Follow court orders. Follow the court’s temporary or final orders. Failure to do so could make you look irresponsible and harm your chances.
Of course, these “ideal world” tips might not fit every situation, but they’re worth keeping in mind if you think your judge might be playing by the rulebook.
Block His Parental Involvement
Intercept all communication from school or healthcare providers. Hide notices about parent-teacher meetings, open houses, and sports events. Make sure he’s clueless about any opportunity to be involved.
Mark fake dates on the calendar (a few days after the real one), then correct them when he misses it. After a while, he’ll give up trying to attend.
If he somehow gets wind of an event and comes home early, disappear immediately, slamming the door on his foot to prevent him from attending.
Schedule medical appointments when he’s working. Ensure the doctor notes that only you were present, lamenting how uninvolved the father is.
Change the emergency contact list at school. List your boyfriend, hairdresser, or distant cousin—anyone but the father.
Discredit and Distract Him
Shred any important mail or legal notices addressed to him. By the time he realises, he’ll be buried in problems, with no time left for parenting.
Visit porn sites on his computer and send the links to his boss. Plant explicit materials on his desk, especially before a visit from a parenting evaluator.
Post-Separation Tactics
Once you’ve separated, you need to get more inventive. Here are additional ways to ensure total victory.
Quit your job, claiming vague health problems (but not bad enough to impact your parenting), and file for spousal support. This ensures you can stay home while he struggles to pay both child and spousal support.
With increased financial pressure, he’ll have to work extra hours. This leaves little to no time for the children, reinforcing your position as the “primary parent.” Even if you and he shared parenting before the separation, your status as “primary parent” will be unassailable.
Before separation, steal his email passwords and remote phone codes (many leave them on sticky notes). This allows you to monitor his activities from afar.
With access to his emails and messages, you can delete important ones or gather intelligence to strengthen your case.
Subtle Sabotage
Psychological warfare is key.
If he asks to have the children for Christmas Eve, insist on taking them because it’s your family’s “long-standing tradition” (even if it isn’t). Refuse any reasonable offers, such as splitting holidays. The more you argue, the more you wear him down.
Alienating the Father
A little parental alienation can work wonders. Every time the children mention their dad, show distress and scold them for bringing up someone so detestable.
If they come back from a weekend with him excited, cut them off and remind them how hard it is being a “single parent.” Hug them tightly and cry, “Thank God you’re safe!” This will eventually make them stop mentioning him, and their negative attitude will show up in evaluations.
Once You’ve Won Custody
After securing custody, maximise the children’s time with their father (but don’t let them live with him). The more time they spend with him, the more he has to cover out-of-pocket expenses for food, entertainment, clothes, and school supplies. This way, you can save the child support money for yourself.